Parents often wish they knew how to get information to judge the character of a prospective son-in-law. Several Pakistani parents who, discovered some painful truths the hard way, would like to offer some advice about how to proceed when the 'rishta' come your way.

Getting the information you need to make a decision is so much harder when the young man is abroad, and you get to meet him only when he is back home for a holiday. Parents of daughters have repeatedly expressed that they should have come to America to judge for themselves but don’t because of the expense and because they trust what the family tells them about their son. But remember, his family is not going to know the dark side of their son's character. By coming to America to meet a prospective son- in-law, a parent will also find out what awaits their daughter. Life is different in the USA, and discovering those differences (For example most women go to work) can help the parents and the daughter make their decisions.

Parents carry a heavy burden because they have to judge the character of a future son-in-law and decide if he will be a suitable husband. If at all possible, come to America to meet the potential groom. Have many conversations with him, let him show you how he lives, how he thinks, what he respects.

If traveling to America is out of question because of financial or health limitations, we still urge you to get as much specific information as you can.

It is important to get some basic facts about him.
a) Date and place of birth.
b). His social security number (every one who lives in USA has one).
c). His driving license number and place of issue.
d). The names of the places (city & state) he has lived in.
e). His citizenship papers, green card or work permit, called an H-1B visa.
f). Proof of his educational qualifications.
g). If he is a licensed professional (e.g., Physician, architect, attorney), proof that he is in good standing and that his license has not been revoked.

Typically the boy's family will give permission to check out references in America for their son. Do not rely on these letters or opinions, often they are friends or family members who feel obligated and pressured by their own families to say good things, and keep their real opinions to themselves.

Meet other Pakistanis at the mosque, or through the local Pakistani Chamber of Commerce , or at a community center. This will give you an idea about his standing in the Pakistani community.

Ask to be introduced to his social contacts. These are the people your daughter will meet, respect, rely on, befriend.

Ask for (a) copies of bank statements for the past 6-12 months and (b) tax returns for the past 2-5 years. These records will provide proof of his earnings and financial stability.

Has he been married before? Request to see divorce records? Was the divorce and child custody proceedings (if applicable) conducted with fairness and respect? Were there allegations or charges of domestic violence or sexual abuse by the former wife? Some men are marrying without getting divorce or marrying before the divorce has been finalized. Some men are also claiming that because they gave a 'talaak' (divorce), they do not need a civil divorce. Remarriage without a legitimate divorce is considered to be bigamy in the USA, and the second marriage will not be recognized as a legal one.

In making your decision, it might be helpful to inquire if there is a history of health or mental health problems, and what the accompanying treatments are / have been. Do ask for proof of health insurance and that he can add his wife to his health plan (Medical care without insurance is prohibitively expensive.